I am an active person. Long ago I came to the realization that I am happiest and most content when I am working on something, creating something, building something. It can be a garden, a business, or a beef stew.
But there are times when all of my energy departs and I can no longer muster up the creativity to generate my next project. In fact, I can’t make simple decisions. Do I go grocery shopping or do I work on my business? Do I go to the gym or do I respond to e-mails?
During those times I feel the crush of my existence on me. I’m wasting my time! I’m caught up in a muddle of choices and can’t choose anything. I’m tired of choosing. In fact, I choose nothingness. I want to do nothing. But there’s no such thing. I have to fill my time with something, because otherwise I’m just sitting there…or lying there, contemplating emptiness. I’m contemplating the meaning or meaninglessness of my activities. I’m contemplating the brevity of my life.
I know life is short. We all know that life is short. Sometimes I’m actually okay with that. I accept it and simply hope for the best. I hope to enjoy the life that I’m living while I’m living it and hopefully have an ample amount of time to do that.
At other times, like now, I become highly critical of how I’m using my time; this day, this week, this two hour window between the other things that I have to do. I must use my time well! I must be efficient! I must be productive!
I seek solace from this taskmaster. The taskmaster that really has my best interests in mind, but can be unrelenting at times. Choosing to either quiet the taskmaster and sit in silence, or listen to the taskmaster and getting back into action, is another choice that I don’t have the energy to make.
When I have no capacity for choosing, then I believe my soul, spirit, unconscious, or whatever is telling me to lay flat. Face the void of emptiness. Have faith that I won’t stay there forever. Wait for my energy to return and a path to present itself.
A voice inside me said, “Write it down.” And so I did. I think I’ll take a shower and go to Target now.
If you would like to find out more about joining a therapy group/support group or starting individual therapy, Contact Rena Pollak, LMFT, CGP for a free 15 minute phone consultation.
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